


i am not as fine as i seem (pardon?)

by MichaelMellon



Series: ceiling fans and idle hands will take my life again [3]
Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Alcoholism, Changing to explicit just in case, Edd just wants tom back, Finished, I think?, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters as a Coping Mechanism, M/M, Matt tries to help Edd, Mental Breakdown, Mutual Pining, Puke?, Pulling out hair to cope, Self-Mutilation, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, i don't think they work very much, matt loves Edd and just wants him to get better, sex as a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-03-18 18:53:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13687716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelMellon/pseuds/MichaelMellon
Summary: "I don't know how to get over you.I fucking found you.YOU'RE SELFISH HOW DARE YOUHOWDAREYOUYOUFUCKINGSELFISHCUNTIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU--"--------"You get plastered"--------Literally only one person wanted this but whatever. From Edd's perspective, you see how he breaks down. Also, keep an eye on the tags, as I update them frequently.Book three of threehttps://archiveofourown.org/series/866973





	1. some see a pen, i see a harpoon

_Tom-_

_You shouldn't have gone. Was it because of Tord? I saw your emails to him._

_You were obsessed with him. Don't you remember how horrid he was to you?_

_God, I don't know why you did it. You should have come to me. You should have gone to someone._

_I started therapy. She says writing letters to you would help._

_So here I am. A letter to the dead._

_I don't leave my room most of the time. I don't eat. I don't drink anything but alcohol._

_I don't know how to get over you._

_I fucking found you._

_YOU'RE SELFISH HOW DARE YOU_

_HOWDAREYOUYOUFUCKINGSELFISHCUNTIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU--_

\--------

You get plastered. 

You look at yourself in the mirror, your nose is running, your face is wet with tears. Your eyes have heavy bags under them from sleep deprivation. 

Your brown hair is greasy and sticking up in every direction. 

You're pathetic. You're worthless. You're a fucking wreck. 

You punch the mirror. Your knuckles are bleeding and you're pretty sure your index finger is broken. 

You stop letting Matt inside your room. You stop talking. You stop everything. 

You seldom eat. You don't shower. You only sleep when your body shuts down and forces you to rest. 

When that does happen, you sleep for two or three days at a time. 

\--------

_Tom-_

_I was so oblivious to everything._

_I should have noticed the way you never ate. The way you constantly refreshed your computer. The way your eyes sunk into your skull._

_Fuck you. Fuck you._

_If you had stayed alive, you would have known that I still would have broke down._

_It probably wouldn't be as bad as now._

_Goodbye for now._

_-Edd_


	2. You'll have to watch me struggle from several rooms away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an fyi, I'm not sorry.

_Tom-_

_You. Fucking. Hurt. Me._

_You HURT ME. YOU FUCKING KILLED ME. GOD DAMN IT  
YOU HURT ME   
YOURE SELFISH YOU ONLY CARED ABOUT YOURSELF YOU DIDNT KNOW HOW BADLY THIS WOULD AFFECT MATT AND ME_

_FUCK YOU, THOMAS. ASSHOLE._

\--------

She says you're dissociating the more you say none of this has happened. 

You're sitting on a too soft therapy chair as she scribbles on her lined legal pad. 

She had written "Edd Gold" in the corner and paraphrased everything he said. 

And the thing is, you don't remember anything about him. 

You forgot. You miss someone you don't know. 

You can't control your emotions. 

You feel horrid. Sometimes you can see yourself curled up on your bed. You see yourself while you sit on your desk chair. 

That... shouldn't be possible. 

And then you're back in your own body. 

When you go through your notifications on your computer, everyone that follows you is asking where you went. 

You write a cryptic response just saying that you're alright. 

You curl up on your bed. You stay there for a week. You skip your therapy appointment. You let your phone and laptop die. 

You pass out after that week and sleep for another three days. 

Matt wakes you up, holding a plate of food. 

And you kick and scream as Matt attempts to feed you. 

He holds your nose closed until you open your mouth to breathe and shoves a forkful of some sort of pasta in your mouth and refuses to let go until you start chewing. 

He does this until you finish the meal and then hugs you. 

He says he hates seeing you like this. And that he hates not being able to talk to you. 

He says you've gotten skinnier and that's why he shoved food down your throat. And you've got to admit, it does feel nice to eat after starving for weeks. 

\--------

_Tom-_

_It's quiet without you here. I miss the music of your bass and the way you sang in a way that you thought was quiet but you had your headphones on full blast and you were singing them loud enough to the neighbours to hear._

_And Eduardo would knock on the door and tell us to shut up and I'd tell you the neighbours were getting upset. You'd sing even louder and play at the same volume._

_Matt convinced me to get out of my room. He held me as we watched some low-budget horror movie._

_We laughed at the shitty effects and acting. It would've been perfect if you were there laughing with us._

_I should've realised what was going on._

_He came back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you know who came back. 
> 
> If you do, you're wrong. :)


	3. i don't care whats in your hair, i just wanna know what's on your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you get better. 
> 
> and then you get worse.

You don't know what's happening to you. You see things. 

You're seeing Tom in every blue-coloured hoodie. You're seeing him in the black pavement. You're seeing him in the stars and in every bottle of alcohol you down. 

And you see Matt. He drags you out of your room for thirty minutes at a time. He makes you eat, shower, and brush your teeth and hair. 

You get more comfortable being out of your room, but you prefer to stay in there. You always hold onto Matt, worried he'll leave like Tom did. 

And he lets you clutch on as hard as you need to. When you panic, he holds you close and whispers soothing words to you. 

He seems to have lost his narcissism and most of his confidence. Like he's more focused on you than himself. 

It makes you feel special. But it doesn't make you feel better. 

\--------

_Tom-_

_I don't know what to do. Why does he keep coming back?_

_Why do YOU keep coming back to me?_

_I see you everywhere. Sometimes I hear your voice. Late at night, when it's dark and silent, I can almost hear you playing bass._

_And I want to go to your door and listen like I used to, because you'd sing quietly. You sang with feeling. I could hear it in your voice._

_And then I remembered, you left me. You left us._

_YOU LEFT US FOR SOMEONE WHO ABUSED YOU YOU LEFT US FUCKYOUFUVKYOUFUCJYOUFUCMFGU  
_  
\--------

You don't leave your room and you pull out strands of hair just to make yourself feel. 

You know that eventually, pulling out your hair won't be enough. But you do it anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eventually I'll get around to who "he" is.


	4. stay alive, stay alive, stay alive for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No letter today, I wanted to focus on Matt and Edd's relationship. 
> 
> If you're confused, Matt has a crush on Edd but he doesn't want to tell him at such a sensitive time. 
> 
> Edd is emotionally numb towards any romantic relationships for now. He's more affected by Tom's death because he's the one who found him.

You've pulled out a little less than half your hair out. You don't look in mirrors, you look like shit. 

You keep your door locked, you ignore Matt's knocking and crying at your door. 

You don't know why you got worse. You don't know how to block out certain thoughts. The ones that tell you that Tom didn't like you. He just wanted Tord. 

You're dying. You throw up in a bag from lack of food. The trembling gets worse. You don't know how to cope. 

Soon, the pain from ripping out your hair isn't enough. 

You find a pair of scissors and tear into your skin. It takes a while, but you cut deep. The wound is big and you're bleeding a lot. 

It flows down your leg as you limp to the door. Matt is asleep next to the door, so you go to the bathroom and find the first aid kid. 

You hiss as you clean the cut and wince as you wrap the band-aid as tight as you can. 

It hurts to move your leg. And you don't regret it. You like the pain. You like seeing the blood. 

You glance into the mirror and gag at your reflection. You're half bald and covered in dirt and sweat and dried tears. 

The bags under your eyes are dark purple, your eyes are red and puffy and lifeless. 

With a sigh, you turn on the shower and lock the door to the room. You strip and step into the tub. You smile as you see the dirt wash off of you. It feels nice to be clean. 

You scrubbed your face with Matt's face wash, cleaned what's left of your hair, used Matt's loofa on your body until your skin was raw. 

And then you just stood in the stream of water, you were happy. It was like your own little world. 

You could pretend that Tom and Matt were watching a movie together, that you'd get out soon and put on a pair of sweatpants and a old shirt, that you'd sit between the two and Tom would sling his legs onto your lap. 

You stood there until the water went cold and it forced you to get out. 

You dried off and went back to your room, Matt was no longer there. That made you feel somewhat vulnerable. You shook it off and dressed yourself. 

You find Matt in the kitchen, making something in a pot. He turns around and smiles before gasping in surprise. He rushes towards you and grabs your face, looking at your hair. 

"What did you do to yourself?!" His voice is a good octave higher than usual, "Did you shave it?" 

You shake your head as you let him embrace you. He mutters that you smell good and tightens his grip as if you'll leave again.

He holds you until he hears the pot boil over and then runs towards it, turning the heat down. 

You curl up on the couch and grab the blanket that was on it, wrapping it around yourself and pulling part of it over your head. 

You fall asleep soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Matt was making mac and cheese bc holy hell its good 
> 
> Can you tell the ending is rushed?
> 
> Also, I feel like this chapter is a little longer because I spent a while describing Edd's first shower in, like, a month. 
> 
> Fun fact about me: I love showers but I never have the motivation to take them because I hate my body and the mirror in my bathroom is positioned in a way that I can't escape it. And I have tits I don't want, nor do I need. :,)


	5. I cant take them on my own, my own

You wake up a day and a half later with your head in Matt's lap. He's smiling at you as he tells you he was starting to worry that you'd died. 

You snort a little and curl up next to him. You're feeling better. 

Matt holds you close and you bury your face in his chest. You don't want this feeling to end. 

\--------

_Tom-_

_Why does this hurt so much? It's been almost ten months and I'm still hung up on your death._

_Everyone else has moved on and went back to their lives, why can't I?_

_I've been out of my room more, so that's good. Matt holds me like I'll leave him. I don't want to leave him._

_He makes me feel safe and wanted. I haven't felt like that in forever. It's nice._

_-Edd_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is short. I'm gonna write one from matt's POV just because it's a style I'm more comfortable with. 
> 
>  
> 
> Mmm I might end up rewriting this bc I have all the chapters saved oops


	6. let me make you believe you are lovely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me?? Writing instead of studying for my midterms? Yeah. 
> 
> Also this one focuses on matt and Ringo makes an appearance as a fat glutton.

They'd watch movies together, Edd would eat, sleep, and take care of himself. He was getting better. 

But Matt knew it wouldn't last that much longer; he didn't want him to hole up in his room again. He didn't want him to stop eating. He didn't want him to leave. He didn't want the empty sheets next to him because he had gotten used to Edd in his arms while they both slept. 

And Matt couldn't bare the thought of it, he couldn't breathe when he thought of Edd hitting rock bottom again. 

He pet Edd's head as some superhero movie played. Matt had made sandwiches for them but he hadn't touched his. And everything hurt. 

"Matt, are you okay? You haven't eaten yet.."

"Y-yeah, I'm just not that hungry." He lied, "I'll eat it in a second. But do you mind if I ask you something?" 

"Go ahead," Edd replied, one hand settling on Matt's knee. 

"Do you feel like you're getting worse? Because I know it's kind of up and down with your emotions right now but I don't know if you're just gonna stay in your room again. I've gotten used to you being around me again and I don't want that to end." Matt said, his voice breaking a few times as he spoke. 

Edd smiled and pulled Matt into a hug, "I promise you I'm not going to do that. I feel better than I have in a long time because of you. I don't want to give this feeling up."

"You promise?" Matt asked, grabbing Edd's hand and lacing their fingers together. 

"I promise," he answered, nuzzling Matt's neck, "Eat your food before Ringo gets to it. You know he'll inhale it before you get around to even looking at it." 

They both laughed a little and pulled apart. Ringo had cocked his head to the side at the noise from his spot on the recliner. 

Matt ate. They both felt wanted. Life was good. 

Too bad that the only way left to go was down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell the ending was rushed? I didn't know how else to end it. 
> 
> Also hey guess what, I'm in a depressive episode so updated will be slower and angsty. :,))


	7. a moth ate through your favourite shirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposting bc it didn’t post the beginning and i dIDNT REALISE UNTIL TOday

And you seclude yourself again. You scream and cry and punch the walls because GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, WHY’D HE FUCKING LEAVE?!

—————

_Tom,_

_Fuck. You._

_-Edd_

—————

You tear up your shirts, you cut off the sleeves and cut them in half. But, that isn’t enough for your pathetic self. 

You burst into his room, you hadn’t been in it since you found him, but Matt had cleaned it. It looked like it did before he holed up in there. Before he obsessed over Tord and his emails. And before bad thoughts succeeded to take hold of him. 

You grab his hoodie and press it to your face, inhaling the scent as you sob. It smells like alcohol and fruit and something that you can’t figure out because it just smells like Tom. You don’t know how to function now that memories, good and bad, are flooding back. 

—————

_Tom—_

_FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU—_

—————

You pull his hoodie on in place of yours. It’s tight and exposes your belly but it’s okay. It’s like he’s there with you. 

You grab an old band shirt, one he wore all the time, and slice through the thin, worn fabric. You laugh through the tears, the liquid cooling quickly on your cheeks and clinging desperately to your jaw before giving up and falling helplessly to the carpeted floor. 

You do this until the shirt is impossible to tell apart from something a wild coyote would do to a small rat. 

And you move onto another shirt, a pair of jeans, and an extra hoodie. 

You crawl into his bed and sleep in it because you can’t get him out of your mind. He was your best friend and he left you for some Commie fuck who only cared about himself. 

—————

_Tom—_

_did you know I love you?_

_—Edd_


	8. fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever, I’m going through some shit. 
> 
> Also, sorry this is short.

_You kiss Matt roughly and tear off his clothes. He pulls off yours and moves to nip at your throat. You’ve needed this. You needed to be manhandled. You needed—_

You’re laying naked on Matt’s bed, a dull ache in your pelvis, and a solar system of bruises and bites and hickeys on your neck. You feel better than you have in years. You want to go again. You want to be so caught up in pleasure that you forget about the pain for just a moment. It’s a new coping mechanism. 

Matt. Matt is the new coping mechanism. 

You’re falling. 

You’re falling hard.

And what does it mean to be like this. It’s fluttery and floaty and you feel safe. 

That’s what scares you. You don’t like safe. You don’t like this feeling. 

You break.


	9. you don’t know my brain the way you know my name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s mAY

You’re tired. 

You haven’t slept in days. You keep thinking about Matt. The way he moved. 

He was graceful. Even while sweaty and panting, eyeliner and mascara streaming down his cheeks as he panted. 

You run a hand through your hair as you remember how his hair stuck to his forehead, how his pink-tinged lipstick was smudged from the rough kissing. 

You slide your eyes shut and turn over. There’s a knock on the door and light hits your eyelids. You wince and curl up tighter. 

“Edd, wake up. I have a surprise.” Matt’s voice says. You stay put and feel yourself being lifted up and you’re showered in light kisses. 

You smile and lean your face into his shoulder. He chuckles and you feel normal. Like before bad things and bad people and bad feelings. 

It’s domestic, in a way. Like you’re just another couple. Cuddly, happy, picture-perfect. 

Matt carries you to the living room and sets you down on the bed, “How do you feel about going back to therapy? What’s-her-name keeps calling and asking about you. She’s really worried.”

You freeze up at the thought of going outside. You shake your head violently and Matt has to grab your face to make you stop. 

He explains that it’ll be good for you, “You’ll feel better!” He says with too much enthusiasm. 

“Can we just deal with it here?” You say, crossing your pale arms and leaning back. 

“Edd, you need to go outside at some point. You can’t just stay inside forever. You’ll be a hermit.” 

“I don’t mind being a hermit.” You grunt, pulling your legs up onto the couch and staring at your socked feet. 

Your socks are mismatched, the left one is blue with purple on the toes and heel. The right is grey with pale, yellow stars scattered over it. 

“How about you just talk to me? Tell me what really happened to you.” Matt says to you, his hand resting on your shoulder. 

And you let the walls come down.

You tell him the gory details about finding Tom. 

_You walked into his bedroom, expecting to find him asleep or tapping away on his laptop. But, no. You found him hanging on the ceiling fan, blue and reeking of piss. You screamed and collapsed and puked until you were sure your stomach would come out. Matt had to call the police because you were too weak._

_You felt your lungs squeeze closed and your chest heave as the officer looks you in the eye and says, “I’m sorry for your loss.”_

_You puke on his shoes. And you mourn in the most unhealthy way possible._

_Life’s fucked up like that._

_You still hear him curse at a chord on his bass he can’t yet master._

Your brain is turning against you as you start to sob. 

Matt holds you and you puke again. 

Like you said... _Life’s fucked up like that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey if you want semi-funny tumblr posts follow me @kinisthetic
> 
> Maybe you prefer cool-ish drawings I’ve done, if so, follow me on Instagram @michaelmell0n
> 
> Neither of those quite your style and you want to know my stance on political movements in 120 characters or less? Follow me on twitter @michaelmell0n
> 
> DM me on insta or tumblr and I’ll be cool with being ur friend. I’ll send you pictures of my dog and maybe some sneaky peeks of the next chapter and new works


	10. pointless curses, nonsense verses

You sit down in a waiting room. Matt had convinced you to meet with your therapist. “Just once!” He said, dragging you to the car as you kicked and screamed and tried to get away, “It’s okay, don’t worry.” 

Her name is Allison. She had short blue hair and tattoos littered her arms and legs. 

She looks nothing like a therapist. She wears band shirts and shorts. She’s funny and knows that humour helped a lot. 

She tells you that originally, she wanted to be a musician or an actress. She tells you that it changed when she found her mother passed out on the bathroom floor. 

She told no one she was traumatised until she told her girlfriend about it in college. She changed her major after realising she wanted to help people who had been through stuff like she had. 

You ask why she told you this, why’d she tell you about her problems? You aren’t the therapist. 

“Because,” she says, “I know what you’ve been through. It helps people to know that their therapist knows what it feels like.” 

You nod. You tell her everything. You tell her that sometimes you can hear him. You sleep in his bed. You’ve started to use sex as a coping method. You’ve stopped writing the letters. You’ve missed him. You’ve missed him more than anything. 

You tell her about the emails you found while going through his laptop for some sort of clue as to _why_ he did it. 

And then the hour is up. She tells you to write another letter, maybe it’ll help. 

So you do. 

You get home, open a notebook and scribble down the letter in a purple pen. 

_Dear Tom,_

_You’re an asshole. But whatever. You’re dead. You don’t matter anymore._

_Why can’t I get you out of my head? All my hope is pinned on a fucking skeleton. A dead kid who never actually cared about my feelings. Or Matt’s feelings._

_Sex helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I have to stop in the middle just to break down a little. Matt understands and holds me as I cry._

_I’m falling hard for him. Does he feel the same way? Who knows. Who cares. Do you? Does he? Does Allison? Do I?_

_Anyways, you’re an asshole and I hate you. Fuck you._

_Sincerely,  
Edd. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh whatever just I’m too lazy to do this so like
> 
> My insta is @michaelmell0n  
> My tumblr is @kinisthetic   
> My Twitter is also @michaelmell0n
> 
> I’m sad and dysphoric so chapters will come out slower than usual lmao


	11. just please read this part.

Hey, guys. I just wanted to let you know that, as I’m phasing out of the Eddsworld fandom, I’m beginning to not want to update this series. 

My plan for this was to have Edd recover and there’s a happy ending. 

Anyways, thanks to Adversarial for being a good brother, my girlfriend for keeping me from ending my life and keeping me motivated, Tyler for commenting random shit on all the chapters, and Mars for being a good gay boi. 

I’m not orphaning these works, but I’m not writing Eddsworld anymore. 

I’m sorry to everyone who wanted to see me write the ending but Edd does live and Matt does end up helping him. Allison was going to be a major character, too. 

Anyways, thank you to everyone who read this and commented. 

There’s more stuff coming soon, mostly going to be musicals and Spider-Man. 

I love you guys very much. Thank you for supporting me.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Adversarial's writing style a lot. So, I did something new.
> 
> Yay. 
> 
> Stay tuned bc everything will go downhill fast.


End file.
